I think my brain’s got a leaky seal

The first two rows of my Serenity sweaterI just cast on for Serenity. I spent awhile last night monkeying with the numbers and measuring and remeasuring my washed, blocked swatch to figure out what size to make and once I had made the math come out correct three different ways, I finally cast on.

I was blissfully charging into my third round of garter stitch when I noticed that holy cow, something’s weird. I’m usually a highly technical, impetuous type — I’m practically a stunt knitter. But knitting a large swatch so I could get a good average measurement? Washing and blocking it? Triple-checking my math?

Enjoying garter stitch?

I love dreaming up projects, but I get overwhelmed easily. My list of half-finished projects and promises is as long as my arm and adding to that list makes me feel pretty worthless. Enough people have bitched me out for procrastinating that now instead of committing to something and then putting it off, I commit to something, get terrified, start stalling, make myself feel guilty and ashamed before anyone else can do it, and put things off anyway. It’s a stupid process, and I’m still figuring out how to stop it.

So starting a sweater, especially when I still have another large project mostly done but not quite there, is kinda scary. I know I have all the skills I need to make the sweater; the only thing stopping me is the nasty little voice in my head that says I’m a bad person who won’t finish it. Which is stupid, neurotic thinking, I know — I mean, this is my hobby! I’m supposed to be doing this for fun!

So instead of starting a sweater, I spent two days knitting, washing and measuring a swatch and trying out different ways of casting on, all for a beginner-level raglan knit in the round. By then I’d done so much math that even my worst neurotic worries had to shut up, so when I finally settled down with a stretchy-enough cast-on, I got to turn off my brain and knit.

And oh, it feels good.