Well, success with step one of Operation: Dead Kitty Boyfriend Sweater, anyway. I found the yarn, and maybe a pattern. The yarn is Classic Elite “Wool Bam Boo,” a 50/50 wool/bamboo blend, plain black, and it is bliss. Sleek and silky with a little bit of shine, but a little more slippery than merino — it isn’t as warm as plain wool, which is good because he overheats easily, and it isn’t too soft because he doesn’t like fabric that’s too soft, and it has almost no halo because he likes his clothing crisp and not fuzzy, and it’s not scratchy at all.
There’s a reason it’s taken me a month just to pick out the yarn, and that’s because he’s impossible to shop for. “Picky” isn’t the word. “Prissy” probably is, since his mom cracked up laughing when I called him that recently.
Finding the right pattern has been even more difficult. He’s slim with wide shoulders and a narrow waist, for that classic V-shaped torso that makes women’s knees go wobbly. He hates boxy and baggy clothes and wants everything to fit very closely. As in, he buys his pants in the juniors’ department. As in, he dresses kinda — well, kinda gay. Like, gay to the point where my mom hassled me about it for a year before she gave up. Every time his name came up in conversation, she’d pause, go quiet for a few seconds, then her forehead would crease and she’s burst out with “But does he have to dress like that?”
So if I make him something, it has to be sleek, plain-colored, and perfectly fitted. Wide crew necks look too girly. Turtlenecks make him feel like he can’t breathe. Must be hip-length. Must be tapered toward the waist. Can’t be too soft (“Cashmere just doesn’t feel right, it’s too soft”) and can’t be scratchy (“Ugh, wool is terrible”) and plain cotton is boring. No browns or blues. No cables.
Knitters, don’t fall for guys raised by moms who were too young and too single when they had their only babies. They raise their dear boys with a hovering attentiveness that no non-codependent woman can tolerate, ever alert for even the hint of need. You, like myself, will take six months adjusting your sweater plans before you ever get to cast on.
I showed him the Urban Aran with brooklyntweed‘s zipper conversion. No dice.
“Ewww, no,” he said, reeling with disgust. “It’s got stuff all over it.” He gestured at the beautiful curving cables down the arms. “Like that.” He pointed at the graceful diagonals across the waist. “And that. Gross.”
I ordered the pattern book anyway for myself, since I’m certainly not as difficult to please.
So now I’m thinking Leo from Knitty, only at a different gauge and with different yarn and maybe no ribbing on the outside of the arm so I can put that dead kitty chart in, and a narrower neck that isn’t all boat-neck-like. And maybe I’ll make it a cardigan with a zipper. And maybe a stand-up collar.
If this yarn gets the go-ahead, I’ll be ready to tackle step two: the swatching. At this rate, I’d say check back in another two months.