Note to self

Dear self:

If you publish a pattern for gloves, mittens or fingerless mitts, if your main pattern photo includes mittened, gloved or mitted hands doing the following:

  • Stiffly resting against a tree
  • Stiffly resting tangent to a model’s eerily vacant face, like she’s about to nuzzle a penguin flipper
  • Stacked on top of each other like something out of a 1950s article on decorum
  • Delicately assaulting a flower or foliage (Remember, when you’re destroying shrubbery: Pinkies out!)
  • Hugging the model like she (it’s always a she, isn’t it?) was photographed mid-sob
  • Floating against an irrelevant background with stiff zombie claws
  • Cradling each other
  • Cradling a small decorative gourd
  • Cradling a mug of tea or latte
  • Cradling a fucking apple

… go punch yourself in the mouth.

The tossing-leaves thing: Don’t. Cute, but overdone.

(Also note: I’m not picking on a particular pattern; since I tend to study clothing photography way too closely, I actually did this list from memory. But a quick glance through new Ravelry patterns yields all of the above except the last one, which — whoop, never mind. Just found an apple.)

And before you say anything, ask yourself: Have you ever gingerly cupped a (tea rose / boxwood / star jasmine / piece of readily available hedge) with just the pads of your fingertips like it’s ten hours into a trip and you’ve just discovered how utterly beautiful and interconnected everything is and that the whole universe is contained in that simple, perfect thing? Were you wearing fingerless gloves? No? See? EVERYTHING IS LIES.

Now reach out that cradle that bad boy like your life depended on it.
Now reach out and cradle that bad boy like your life depends on it.

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